Hoping to calm a nation whose nerves have been rattled by economic woes, President-elect Barack Obama today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches designed to put the nation to sleep.
Viewers who were able to remain awake for the entirety of his speech could boil down Mr. Obama's economic plan to two points: stimulate the American economy while tranquilizing the American people.
"The President-elect is well aware that Americans are having trouble sleeping," said chief of staff designee Rahm Emanuel. "These speeches are designed to fix that."
By that criterion, Mr. Obama's speech on economic matters today was a huge success, with over half of his audience losing consciousness five minutes in.